Michael Gerstein

Michael is an artist, writer and musician. There follow three pieces of his, the second and third of which are edited, abridged exerpts.

Michael began writing poetry ten years ago in a local writing group and has now published two volumes of verse. Since then he has spread his wings into prose, short stories and humour. The latter (humour) is what he likes best.

We begin with Michael's most recent offering - a satirical poem about the Government cuts. These are followed by his first two non-poetry pieces for an unsuspecting public - a tongue-in-cheek concise History of Art, followed by his Official Guide to London Underground Stations:

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                             A HISTORY OF ART

Intrepid art correspondent Michael Gerstein transcribes a recent lecture by the world famous

Professor O. Goditshimagain

An unusual artist was studying painting in Italy in the latter half of the 16^th. Century. No one could pronounce his long Greek name, so he was known as El Greco (The Greek). Lucky he didn’t come from The Federal States of Micronesia!  He was smart.  The people in his pictures are always thin and standing up. That way he got in more people per picture on smaller canvases. So he had a higher production rate and saved on materials. Value for money.

Now we look at some Dutch Masters. Why are there so many expressions with the word Dutch?  We have Dutch auctions, Dutch treat, go Dutch, Dutch uncle, Dutch elm disease, Dutch courage,  Dutch barn,  double Dutch,  “oooh, don’t dutch me,” a soft Dutch,  Dutch caps and Dutch interiors.  

One subject they painted was still life with food. I mean, food everywhere. And very realistic. Recently, some guy in a museum thought the chicken in a picture was real, takes a bite out of the painting and eats it. He is arrested for eating in a restricted no food area and for trying to steal a painting by swallowing it.  He dies of food poisoning. The chicken was off!  What do you expect from a 400 year old painting! But these pictures are considered the inspiration for all those tedious television cooking programs that are on day and night, endlessly! Thank you, Dutch masters!

Van Gogh was not one of them. He wanted to be. But he was Dutch. A dutch soft in the head, I’d say! He was in love. And he held his arm over a candle flame to force his girl to marry him. Personally, I think the old fashioned way of going down on one knee is easier. But it turned out she was an ‘old flame.’ Van Gogh was a socialist at heart and just wanted to help the poor and deprived. That’s why he never joined the Labour Party. He was a big hearted human being. One of the greats. He tried working in art galleries in Holland, but he was needy and loved people, not money. He tried teaching in England. Then preaching the Gospel to Belgium miners. And helping the poor in slums. Always searching for the light, for freedom, for a brotherhood of friends, for joy.

  Van Goch self-portrait 1887

But he lacked friends. So he invited an artist friend to stay with him. Paul Gauguin was a Post Impressionist. So called because he used to send his paintings by mail. But they did not get on. Van Gogh was neurotic, Gauguin despotic. There were rows. A drunken Van Gogh, in a mad rage, cut off his left ear and sent it to a local prostitute!  He should have sent it to the local butcher and got some money for it. But when you have just cut off your ear, you can’t hear yourself think.  He was, at that time, the youngest mad, ginger haired, bearded, 33 year old, 5’ 9” Dutch painter living in France to cut off his own ear. A record which, as far as I know, still stands. Oh yes, there have been other painters with the exact same description, in every detail,  but they have cut off other people’s left ears, not their own.

When the police found him in an alley they were heard to say, “Hello, hello, we’ve got a right one ’ear.” And  again later the police said, “Hello, we’ve got a right one ‘ear, left ’ere, with no left ear.” 

Apart from the Prehistoric cave men, Van Gogh is the only artist who sold only one picture in his life. Oh, and that Italian, Cornetto. But then Cornetto only ever painted one picture. Why? Because Van Gogh’s  agent was his brother Theo. And Theo was a schmuck! He worked in a top art gallery. But he only sold one painting. Today a Van Gogh sells for millions! Why didn’t Theo set up a Van Gogh foundation? Or a Van Gogh merchandising Company? Teddy bears with one ear. Toy dolls that talk and say, “Hello everybody. Ha, ha, ha. I’m off my bloody head. Ha, ha, ha.” Or a plant water feeder. A dispenser on the wall, shaped like a severed ear, that drips red water like blood, onto your houseplant. Van Gogh coffee bars. Starbucks would be nothing! Van Gogh  restaurants. Steaks shaped like ears, with a red gravy. Van Gogh night clubs with neon signs everywhere saying, ‘Go, go, go to Van Gogh’
(You can pronounce his name that way).

At the very least, Theo should have made a contract  for the Van Gogh family to own the copyright of the paintings, and the Van Gogh name, for ever. Jesus, what would
that Family be worth now! That’s why the Van Gogh family could not sue Wales. No copyright on the Gogh name.  All those Welsh place names  ending in ‘gogh!’ The family could have cleaned up in claims for copyright infringement! One of them is the longest place name in the world: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogogh.  That’s  58 letters! And about £1000 a letter! Boy, did they miss out! The Van Gogh’s were schmucks!

Next to Norway. To meet Edvard Munch. A liberal minded Scandinavian. Though not as liberal as the two Austrians! His pictures are both romantic and surreal. Almost psychological. Not surprising from the country of  Sigmund Freud. He did his most famous painting, “The Scream” when he was told how little he was going to be paid for doing it!

Habitats began with William Morris. He began the Arts and Crafts Movement. He wanted all peasants, who made things by hand at home, to have retail outlets so they could become rich. Making pleasing objects by hand is a basic human instinct, which comes from the very depths of nature, from the bowels of the earth. That is why it was known as ‘The Bowel Movement’ or ‘The Arts and Crafts Movement.’ People made carpets, wallpaper, drapes, curtains, rugs…..  it covered  everything.

In America, the hand gun is invented. This allowed people to express their feelings by going out and shooting each other.  But when psychology was invented,  people learned to talk things over first, and then go out and shoot each other!

Our fourth hero who came to Paris from abroad is Picasso. He studied art in Spain, lived in Barcelona with a group of friends and got beaten up over a girl. This is his black and blue period. He escaped to Paris in 1901. His studio was in the Bateau-Lavoir, a boat with small  studios, high up on Montmartre hill.  Every morning, the boat left for the Seine. It would slide down the hill into the river. The artists did their laundry, caught fish, swam, painted and drank. There was a bar on board. At night, the boat slid back up. (Don’t ask).

SOCIAL  BACKGROUND 1900 - 1950
At the same time huge industrial, social and cultural revolutions continue. Freud starts psychology which makes people more confused. It’s a clever plan to get patients! D.H. Lawrence writes pornographic novels. He wasn’t the first. That’s the Bible.

Experimentation in ballet, music, painting, literature. Also in science, with Einstein, Edison, inventions included the electric light, gramophone, aeroplane, car, and those little pointed metal things for taking seeds out of grapefruits. People began to think men could do anything. Except one thing. We still can’t swallow an egg, wait for the chicken to grow in our stomachs, eliminate it from our body, and sell it on to Tesco.   It’s called, eliminating the middle man. Still can’t do that.

1910 Futurism: their Manifesto, written by Balla, Boccioni, Carra  and Severini. Italian artists. But the Manifesto has one fundamental flaw. You can’t paint pictures in the future. They have to be done now. That’s why there are not too many pictures around by the Futurists.

They were inspired by the new, modern technology of trains, cars, aeroplanes, guns and wars. Their idea was to convey the feeling of speed and movement in pictures. They didn’t just do a painting of a fast car. They wanted to capture the essence of speed. For example, Balla’s painting of a woman walking her dog is done in a series of planes and angles, showing her moving. Balla had a problem when the dog went up to a tree that’s where the painting  got messy.

The Futurist movement didn’t last long. It had no future. It was finished after the police raided one of their studios and arrested a painting of some racing cars for exceeding the speed limit in the built up area of a studio. They also arrested the painter for aiding and abetting a crime.  Boccioni was killed in a car accident. So much for speed.

The Futurists used to have speed competitions.  Like seeing how fast they could eat spaghetti through a strainer. And if they could drink coffee before they made it. Some were strapped to rockets. They are still in orbit. They tried doing paintings on the back of a fast motor bike. But when they tried  to steer and paint at the same time, the brushes and easel got in the way.

STOP PRESS:  The Futurist Painters:
Lucky they are not around now. 2009 would be much too fast, even for them!
 
High speed connections, speed dating, fast cars, fast getaways, fast food, speed of sound, high speed trains, rapid response, quick drying, instant mash and coffee.

Trying to paint all the tremendous speed that we have now would be too dangerous. Their brushes would disintegrate. The canvas would melt. They would  have very quick  nervous breakdowns. And not in the future, but now! In trying to paint and capture modern high speeds, they would certainly be overtaken by the speed of things. And being too  slow to keep up, they would rapidly disappear into the past, as the present overtakes them and moves into the future. And they’d be stuck there! In the past. Which is where the Futurists are now anyway. So fortunately, they won’t ever have to face that problem.

Next!

1916 Suprematism (I am the best) founder and only member: Kasimir Malevich. He wrote a Manifesto. But nobody could understand it. That’s  probably why Malevich was the only  member.

He is famous for his unusual abstract pictures. White shapes on white. Only, you can’t see the white shapes because it’s all white. He wanted to show the subtle differences of tone. Mmmmm. They are subtle all right! All you see is a white square in a frame. You might think this style of painting is rather limited. Not much room for variation. Oh yes, he did them in other colours. And yet since Malevich, artists have been doing this same kind of blank picture, over and over again. Mmmmmm! 

After his white on white and black on black pictures, Malevich  realised he could not take painting further. So instead he had friends take photos of him just casually standing around in places. Only you can’t see him. He is not seen, wearing white from head to foot, standing against a white building. Or against snow. Or all in black in front of a black car, or a group of black people.

Malevich once did it all in blue, against a blue sky. But trying to get the photo angle right, he stepped back too far and fell over a cliff. Luckily, he was wearing a parachute. The photos were published in a book. It’s the only book where  all you can see on each page is just one colour. Nothing else. And there are no words to go with it. The text is there but not seen. He printed the text in black on a black page. 

Malevich researched invisibility, until one day he too disappeared. He’s not missed because even when he was around nobody saw him much. And nobody saw him at those times when he wasn’t around, but somewhere else. And when he was somewhere else, even his friends, who were there, didn’t notice him.

But Stalin’s new government wanted propaganda art. These modern artists were discouraged or even kicked out of Russia. Not Malevich though. They couldn’t find him. Stalin wanted posters and slogans to encourage the masses to slave for the Motherland. And remain poor. Why is Russia always called the Motherland, and Germany the Fatherland? Did the two countries get married at some point? And if so, which countries are the kids?

1924  Surrealism (more fruitcakes). Manifesto by Andre Breton. Leaders Dali and Magritte. A huge movement. I  can’t really explain it. I’d have dreams and nightmares if I tried. But  it’s easy to become a Surrealist. Let your mind wander (I can’t do it. I start to daydream). Get in touch with your subconscious. A little heroin should do it. Now, you want to shock and scare people, don’t you? Ha, ha, ha!  You want to upset the public, don’t you? Oppose all organised society. Be illogical. You want to be weird and crazy. So join the Labour Party! Then dream up the strangest images to paint, have some cheese at night, and you too could go round the bend and become a Surrealist!

Talk about surreal, what about the goof balls who dreamed up the congestion charge for London. They want to reduce car traffic so they allow public transport fare increases, which  force people back in their cars!  Ken Livingstone must have been another Surrealist!

 
When Surrealism was officially recognised in 1924, the flood gates were opened to the weird and wonderful. It was open season. Not just in painting, film, books and theatre.

Surrealism influenced  people’s daily lives too. Husbands had new excuses when they came home late. “Yes dear, there were thousands of melted watches blocking the roads. Rolex watches, I think dear. And the large green human ears flashing in the road slowed us down a bit.  It was a long detour, but I had the Thermos flask.”

Another surreal excuse which husbands used when coming home late, was: “I know it’s hard to believe, dear, but I did float out of the office window, upside down and fly to Jupiter and back. Yes, there were traffic jams there too. How did you know? When I got back, the boss asked  me not to take such long lunches in future. After this unexpected trip I was so disorientated the boss took me to hospital. The hospital went up in flames, but we escaped on green giraffes. No burn marks. Thanks for asking dear. For some reason, my giraffe took me down to the centre of the Earth. Yes, it was hot down there, dear. But I was wearing a cotton shirt. The one you ironed yesterday.  Then these men in bowler hats with no faces, brought me home in a chocolate space ship. Milk chocolate, I think dear.”

Dali was a showman. Every morning he would groom his famous moustache. He said it had magic qualities. It was an antenna that could pick up cosmic energies, and reinvigorate him. Set him up for the day. Shredded Wheat does that for most people!

SOCIAL BACKGROUND  (Continued)       
During the World War 2 many artists got involved in anti- war protests. Bit late as the war had already started! They expressed their protest in paintings, plays and music. Musicians refused to write any music while the war going on. At concerts the audience would sit and listen to two hours of  silence.

Picasso wrote a surrealist protest play called Dog Chasing It’s Own Tail, which was performed. But books by other protest writers were completely blank. These empty books would be bought with cheques that bounced.

1900 - 1950 Art History (continued)
Monet died in 1926. Out painting one day, mistral winds blew Monet’s long beard  against the picture and it got stuck to the wet paint. Straining himself, trying to walk home with his face stuck to the heavy canvas, Monet had a  heart attack. He tripped, fell down a mountain and died three days later to get the life insurance.

The Nazis called all modern art degenerate. Hitler was a failed artist, and jealous of any successful painter. He would make fingers at them, and  go, “Na na ne na. You’re all degenerates!” He burned their work, exiled, imprisoned or shot them. And so, in the 1930’s, there was no art left in Germany. So Hitler stole paintings and precious objets d’art from the countries he conquered to fill his museums and Nazi homes. He  stole  mostly from Jewish families.

The Nazis even  took whole buildings back home! They took the Leaning Tower Of  Pisa back to Germany. But when they saw it leaned to the left, they sent it back. Nazis only lean  to the right!

At that time the most famous New York painter was Jackson Pollack. In fact, Pollack, with his mental health and drink problems, painted chaotic pictures which  made people mentally disturbed. To avoid liability for their treatment bills, he began dripping  paint from above, onto large canvases spread out on the floor of his studio. First he tried dripping from planes, but the paint just dripped onto the studio roof. Then he removed the roof, but they froze to death. Then he tried dripping from a parachute. But he was so busy dripping he  forgot to open the chute. The expression, drip dry comes from Pollack. Except, being an alcoholic, he was never dry.

In the U.K. Romantic artists protested against the war. They escaped into stories, illustration and dream-like imagery. Leading escapists were Minton, Vaughan, Collins, Sutherland and Piper. They were arrested for leaving the real world without a permit. I knew Vaughan personally. I say nothing. I don’t want a libel case! Collins made you meditate first, and then paint with your eyes closed. By the look of the finished paintings I’d  say it would be better to paint with eyes open, and look at the painting with your eyes closed!  They were two idiots short of a political party!

1940 - 1950  SOCIAL BACKGROUND:
Lots of small businessmen made huge profits from buying cheap Army surplus goods in bulk. And selling on. A stock pile of  rubber Army shoes was sold on, recycled, and made into rubber condoms. The shoe laces were a bit painful! 

Huge Army tents and tarpaulins were bought, sold, and recycled into women’s clothes. Women, sizes 18 to 64, still wear the stuff. It was not a good idea to recycle Army surplus lorry tyres to use for toilet seats. When large people sat on them, there was a loud noise of air escaping from the tyres. People thought it was them, and would rush to the doctor with flatulence!

Start of pollution. All modern inventions to blame. And cows. To reduce emissions the suggestion is to change cow’s diet from grass to lentils or rice, mixed with  onion, tomatoes and a splash of soya sauce. Research into alternative forms of energy begins. Wind farms, sea farms, all ‘farms’ of energy are looked into. Vets look into cows!  Ugh! A suggestion to use one end of cow as the source for both milk and energy is rejected. Two pipes would be required. One from the udder, the udder from the udder place. The methane gases would  then be converted  and piped to the national energy grid.

Suggestion Rejected: The danger was the two pipes might get mixed up. The public could end up running their  televisions and vacuum cleaners on milk, and having cows gas on their corn flakes. Government science boffins accused of talking a lot of hot air! The public comments at the time: “Fine, now we don’t die from the pollution, we die from the smell!”  They were also overheard to remark, “The government talks a load of old bull. Run the country on that!” Finding alternative energy became the new art form. A book came out, ‘The F - art of alternative energy.’ 

© Michael Gerstein 2009

You can leave your feedback or comments on Michael’s  unique view of art history, and/ or on his sideways angle on the London Underground, by clicking here to e-mail us at the Pen and Ink Club. Or you can e-mail Michael directly to mikyael949@yahoo.co.uk  You can also order his books of poetry from the same address.